How to Set and Create Boundaries

Welcome back to your New Moon Renewal with The Agenda. on how to create boundaries. This is your personal retreat to pause and center in. An average woman’s hormonal cycle is 28 days, just like the average moon cycle. Historically new moons have been linked to a woman’s period. Whether or not your period lands on the new moon, doesn’t matter for these renewals. This is for the new moon each month in your life. Where you need a little light, a slight pause. To bathe in the stillness, and remember who you are. You can do the Renewal below whether or not you are bleeding, and regardless of your beliefs. This month we’ll be digging into boundaries.

First, set the mood:

During this time of rest, what is your intention? Time alone? Time to check in with yourself? Learn something new? Turn your phone on silent or on vibrate. If you can, leave it in another room entirely. Light incense or a favorite candle. Wear clothes that make you feel at home in your body. Set aside 20 minutes to focus on your personal retreat. Find a journal, some markers or crayons, and a favorite pen! Make some tea, or hot chocolate, because why not. Let’s all live our best lives.

Centering:

Take a couple of minutes to sit in quiet. Quiet spa music can also help set the tone. Check-in with yourself. How does your body feel? Try to breathe from your stomach instead of your chest. By placing your hands on your stomach, it is easier to know when you are breathing deeply, as your hands will move with your breath. Any thoughts that come into your mind acknowledge them, and let them pass, refocusing on your breathing.

When you feel centered in your body, read on:

Questions to mull:

What do boundaries mean to you? What has been your experience in setting them?

Poem to savor:

A House, not a Home.
You can’t make homes out of humans,
my life is not a fire to keep you warm,
my arms aren’t walls to protect you,
from your own internal storm.

My heart is not a light switch,
for you to turn on when you please,
and I can’t carry the weight of your regret,
Because I’m buckling at the knees.

My legs may not be a solid foundation,
But they aren’t yours on which to build,
And the holes in my heart can fit us both,
But you do not decide how they’re filled.

You can’t make homes out of humans,
And I won’t let you in just because you have knocked.
And if you keep using my heart as a doormat,
next time you’ll find the door locked.
By Xi from
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2281562/a-house-not-a-home/

We have relationships as humans that flavor our lives. Enriching us, and also teaching us valuable lessons. Connections can shift and change over time, and it is vital to ‘check-in’ every once in a while to make sure a relationship is healthy for both people. Today we’ll be doing just that.

Creative Endeavor:

Get out your journal and coloring goodies. Draw yourself in the center of the paper, leaving plenty of room on the rest of the page. You could write your name or have a symbol represent you; it doesn’t have to be a stick person. Get quiet and choose four people that you would like to explore your connection to today. In each corner of the paper, write the name of each person, one in each corner. We are going to be drawing cords with these people. Cords represent how you are connected, they could look like links, an umbilical cord, a garden, wind, or an idea. Let yourself listen to your imagination and draw how you feel connected, regardless of how ‘silly’ it may seem.

Pick a corner to start with, it doesn’t matter which corner. Close your eyes and tune in, without judging your answers. What is your relationship like? How do you feel about your relationship? What colors remind you of this relationship. Are three words to summarize how you feel when you are with them?

What flows in and out from you? Once you have visualized these answers, draw the cord from you to that person in the corner.

Maybe it feels like water one way, and barbs back. Perhaps it’s one cord and looks like the earth with flowers blooming, or iron links because you are deeply committed to this person. Possibly iron links because you feel dragged down, chained and trapped. Once you have finished with person one, close your eyes and repeat the questions above for corners two, three, and four.

Journal:

Look at your drawing. Set a timer for five minutes of journal time. You can free-write about this exercise or follow along with your prompts.

Prompts: Who are you tied to? What is your relationship like? Are you surprised by any of the cords? What flows in or out from you? How will you approach this relationship in the future, after being able to see what your cord looks like? Is there anything you would like to change about these cords? Is there any poison flowing to you from people? Are there any boundaries you need to set in your relationship with your corded people?

Things to think about:

Sometimes without knowing it, we can create uneven relationships, having us use, or be used by others. By recognizing what the link looks like, we can set better boundaries. You can only say yes to so much, until you start dropping responsibilities, or break down. When saying no this week, take deep breaths, and imagine your no coming from the center of your stomach. Your no is equally as valuable as your yes. Honor it as such.

Closing:

The idea of how to set and create boundaries is a vast topic, and this Renewal is here for you to start having an awareness of your relationships. To learn more about boundaries, I’d encourage you to read the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. It is a book that will change the way you relate to the world and yourself, full of useful tools for setting healthy boundaries.

Each month we’ll release a New Moon Renewal for you to discover something new about yourself and take a moment to pause, breathe, and reflect.

Aj Smit is the author of the book Red Thread: Weaving an Embodied Life of Joy, speaker, glitter enthusiast, and professional weaver of Joy. She is a military spouse with a pup, house plants galore, living in S. Korea. Aj has led various Red Tents, retreats, and workshops internationally over the last ten years to help others discover how to weave creativity and curiosity into their lives. You can find her on Facebook and Instagram at @TheJoyWeaver and at TheJoyWeaver.com